I am a tea partier, not a crazy

In Opinion
Larry Bennett from Orlando, Florida, holds a "no More Bail Puts" sign at a tea party outside of Orlando City Hall, Wednesday, April 15, 2009. Photo courtesy of Jacob Langston/Orlando Sentinel/MCT

The senior citizens that comprise my apoplectic group of goofy conservatives don’t check Urbandictionary.com, but I do. I know what “tea bagger” means and I don’t play on that side of the field, OK? This movement is deeper than you think, or at least too deep to be nicknamed after some obscene party-foul.

Try to understand what this is really about. We’re not all waiting for Fox News to tell us where to protest, or freaked out that Mexicans are about to outnumber us four to one in six months. I’m used to seeing that at every Thanksgiving family reunion. My food is spicier, but I survive.

I’m a Tea Partying conservative. Not the “Who knew Africa was a continent?” or “This foreign policy stuff is frustrating!” Bush/Palin sort of conservative. I’m talking about the, “Why the heck is the president of Freddie Mac making six million dollars more than the president of the United States?” sort of conservative.

I mean the, “Why are we spending billions of dollars inspecting the polar ice caps of Mars while the economy sucks?” sort of conservative.

I mean the “If you subsidize everyone’s health insurance and mandate them to buy it, the corporations will raise premiums every year” sort of conservative.

I’m a Tea Partier. I like to get my John Adams on and get all “revolutionary.” I like to rattle off Thomas Jefferson quotes like, “Commerce with all nations, alliance with none.” I like old-school ideas like that. And maybe if these old-school ideas where applied today, we wouldn’t enforce embargoes against communist Cuba while taking billion dollar loans from communist China.

I’m a Tea Partier and I’m taxed enough already. Every time I tell people that they respond with something dumb like, “What about the roads and the bridges?” Some even say that I “Just want poor people to die.” Others point out our tax dollars “help save the environment.”

But I’m a Tea Partier. I look at budgets. And the budgets tell me that none of the money goes to the roads or bridges. If they did, our country’s infrastructure wouldn’t have received a “D” grade from the American Society of Civil Engineers. It’s much more likely the money is going to the Pentagon, where all of our tax dollars make America the largest military spender in the world.

And I surely don’t want poor people to die, because I’m a Tea Partier. I know that our tax codes don’t save poor people; they make poor people, and then throw them in jail. It’s more likely our tax dollars will fund an immoral drug war that says users of crack cocaine should get a jail sentence twenty times more severe than users of powder cocaine. It’s a law so skewed in favor of the rich that I think Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr. are opening up a lobbying firm on Capitol Hill.

I’m all for helping the environment (on my own), but the money I give to the Environmental Protection Agency is used to clean up oil spills caused by oil corporations. That doesn’t sound like good-old-fashioned progressivism, that sounds like corporatism. In my Tea Partying world I have this wacky idea that if you spill it, you clean it.

I’m a Tea Partier, and I don’t like Wall Street or bailouts. It’s not because I have some sick fantasy of watching the world financial system fall apart faster than Tiger Woods’ marriage. It’s because I think it creates a moral hazard, like signing a pre-nup. Why create an incentive for sabotage?

I’m a Tea Partier, which means I’m a deficit hawk. That’s much different from a Republican deficit hawk. Republicans only like to warn of hyperinflation when the “radical communist socialists” spend all their money but don’t seem to think the same economic principles will apply if their money is being spent by “Jesus-loving terror-fighters.”

Indeed, I am Tea Partier. In my tea-partying world, neither group of delinquents would get to spend my money. In this world, the progressives stop raising taxes for subsidies, regulations, and an alphabet soup of government agencies and the Jesus-loving terror-fighters stop crapping their pants and starting trillion dollar wars with countries that have no Army or Navy.

I’m a Tea Partier, and I think President Obama has entered the frightening James Buchanan-pantheon on my presidential-performance metric system. It’s a metric that at the bottom starts with George W. Bush, proceeds to James Buchanan and gradually makes its way up to Abe Lincoln and George Washington.

I don’t feel this way because Obama hasn’t laminated his official birth certificate and FedEx’d it to my doorstep. I feel this way because he doesn’t understand economics. In fact, I don’t think he’d understand economics if Adam Smith slapped him in the backside with a hardback of “The Wealth of Nations.”

I know the Founders were super old and super white, but so are your douche bag liberal professors, and you listen to them.

So lets get back to being old-school conservative. Let’s get back to being libertarians, like Ben Franklin and James Madison. Let’s hop on board that freedom train where you can smoke whatever the heck you want and the unfettered, unregulated, unbridled free market means one thing: the tickets are cheap.

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7 commentsOn I am a tea partier, not a crazy

  • By DROP_UR_BAG_HERE

    By DROP_UR_BAG_HERE

    ATTENTION TEABAGGERS: RE: SARAH PALIN

    Obviously there has been a HUGE mistake…..

    Palin’s Dribble, Weasel Wording, Mush-Mush, Asssss-Backwards speak Cleary demonstrates who carries the Down Syndrome trait in her family, because of this we (the democrats) will allow you to send her back to Wacky-silla without prejudice and select another candidate.

    For this consideration the Republicans agree to sell Alaska to Russia (with Palin) and never mention the State of Alaska or her again.

    P.S. Why does Palin repeat herself in the same sentence and add extra words that don’t belong!! Reading a Quote from her makes me feel like I am in the advanced stages of dyslexia. Does Anyone else have a problem with this? Is there anyone out there from the North Slope who speaks Wacky-silla?

  • Thanks, Larry. They want to marginalize the Tea Party movement because according to their formula, people listen to rhetoric and don’t look deep enough to see the truth. That is changing rapidly. As the pain increases, people are less receptive to excuses. They are going to the Internet to find ideas that they won’t ever find in the mainstream media. Ideas like the Austrian School of Economic thought found at mises.org. Hopefully when the S___ hits the fan, people will identify the real culprits: The Fed, The State, Wall Street, Corporate cronies. “Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.” Milton Friedman 1912-2006.

  • This was an awesome article. I loved that you allowed yourself to be present while still avoiding being marginalized. I think many people are finding themselves in the same category as you- and I think the health care conundrum will only make our group grow in numbers.

    Thanks for writing this.

  • Dear author,
    As a progressive I believe we have many of the same objections
    to government spending such as: trillions on senseless wars and
    trillions on bailouts for Wall Street. Also the control of the Fed
    must be taken back by the people; even Ron Paul & Dennis Kucinich agree on this. I also believe that working class people have been taxed enough already. However, it is the investor class that has not been taxed nearly enough. Tax on capital gains & dividends is(15%)- Tax on someone working for 100K in earned income is 35% & higher. The appropriate paridigm should be seen as the “working class vs investor class not us vs big government.
    In conclusion, I agree: YOU have been taxed enough already. However, Hank Paulson( Est. worth 700 million) and multi-millionaires have not been taxed nearly enough. We have a progressive tax code that simply needs to be more progressive and
    needs to value money made from LABOR over money made from MONEY.

  • IRRESISTaBLE
    PLAYWRIGHT LARRY MYERS has written plays on both obama and Buchanan

    obama is “CALYPSO PARDIGM”

    and Buchanan is “President James Buchanan at Cape May”
    about how his bumbling caused the CIVIL WAR!
    he had a gay lover who was SoutherN

    dr myers is a presidential historian & most talented dramatist

  • Lance Peters Mayer

    I saw these LARRY MYERS plays in Manhattan
    this man is a corker! what a pisser he is! some wise playwright to have conjured this imagery & these associations! it’s magnetic — a
    minefield of moments..
    he wrote “Lincoln: The Man The Car & The Tunnel”
    and
    “Hoover: The Dam The Vacuum Cleaner The President”

    who could top that?! He just did!

  • Debbie Buchanan

    I am glad to see someone that thinks for themselves while attending college. Please continue to educate your peers, the professors certainly aren’t doing their job, they are more interested in their agenda. And you are looking at both sides of the aisle! Great Job.

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