The senior citizens that comprise my apoplectic group of goofy conservatives donâ€™t check Urbandictionary.com, but I do. I know what â€œtea baggerâ€ means and I donâ€™t play on that side of the field, OK? This movement is deeper than you think, or at least too deep to be nicknamed after some obscene party-foul.
Try to understand what this is really about. Weâ€™re not all waiting for Fox News to tell us where to protest, or freaked out that Mexicans are about to outnumber us four to one in six months. Iâ€™m used to seeing that at every Thanksgiving family reunion. My food is spicier, but I survive.
Iâ€™m a Tea Partying conservative. Not the â€œWho knew Africa was a continent?â€ or â€œThis foreign policy stuff is frustrating!â€ Bush/Palin sort of conservative. Iâ€™m talking about the, â€œWhy the heck is the president of Freddie Mac making six million dollars more than the president of the United States?â€ sort of conservative.
I mean the, â€œWhy are we spending billions of dollars inspecting the polar ice caps of Mars while the economy sucks?â€ sort of conservative.
I mean the â€œIf you subsidize everyoneâ€™s health insurance and mandate them to buy it, the corporations will raise premiums every yearâ€ sort of conservative.
Iâ€™m a Tea Partier. I like to get my John Adams on and get all â€œrevolutionary.â€ I like to rattle off Thomas Jefferson quotes like, â€œCommerce with all nations, alliance with none.â€ I like old-school ideas like that. And maybe if these old-school ideas where applied today, we wouldnâ€™t enforce embargoes against communist Cuba while taking billion dollar loans from communist China.
Iâ€™m a Tea Partier and Iâ€™m taxed enough already. Every time I tell people that they respond with something dumb like, â€œWhat about the roads and the bridges?â€ Some even say that I “Just want poor people to die.” Others point out our tax dollars “help save the environment.”
But Iâ€™m a Tea Partier. I look at budgets. And the budgets tell me that none of the money goes to the roads or bridges. If they did, our countryâ€™s infrastructure wouldnâ€™t have received a “D” grade from the American Society of Civil Engineers. Itâ€™s much more likely the money is going to the Pentagon, where all of our tax dollars make America the largest military spender in the world.
And I surely donâ€™t want poor people to die, because Iâ€™m a Tea Partier. I know that our tax codes donâ€™t save poor people; they make poor people, and then throw them in jail. It’s more likely our tax dollars will fund an immoral drug war that says users of crack cocaine should get a jail sentence twenty times more severe than users of powder cocaine. Itâ€™s a law so skewed in favor of the rich that I think Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr. are opening up a lobbying firm on Capitol Hill.
Iâ€™m all for helping the environment (on my own), but the money I give to the Environmental Protection Agency is used to clean up oil spills caused by oil corporations. That doesnâ€™t sound like good-old-fashioned progressivism, that sounds like corporatism. In my Tea Partying world I have this wacky idea that if you spill it, you clean it.
Iâ€™m a Tea Partier, and I donâ€™t like Wall Street or bailouts. Itâ€™s not because I have some sick fantasy of watching the world financial system fall apart faster than Tiger Woodsâ€™ marriage. Itâ€™s because I think it creates a moral hazard, like signing a pre-nup. Why create an incentive for sabotage?
Iâ€™m a Tea Partier, which means Iâ€™m a deficit hawk. Thatâ€™s much different from a Republican deficit hawk. Republicans only like to warn of hyperinflation when the â€œradical communist socialistsâ€ spend all their money but donâ€™t seem to think the same economic principles will apply if their money is being spent by â€œJesus-loving terror-fighters.â€
Indeed, I am Tea Partier. In my tea-partying world, neither group of delinquents would get to spend my money. In this world, the progressives stop raising taxes for subsidies, regulations, and an alphabet soup of government agencies and the Jesus-loving terror-fighters stop crapping their pants and starting trillion dollar wars with countries that have no Army or Navy.
Iâ€™m a Tea Partier, and I think President Obama has entered the frightening James Buchanan-pantheon on my presidential-performance metric system. Itâ€™s a metric that at the bottom starts with George W. Bush, proceeds to James Buchanan and gradually makes its way up to Abe Lincoln and George Washington.
I donâ€™t feel this way because Obama hasnâ€™t laminated his official birth certificate and FedExâ€™d it to my doorstep. I feel this way because he doesnâ€™t understand economics. In fact, I donâ€™t think heâ€™d understand economics if Adam Smith slapped him in the backside with a hardback of â€œThe Wealth of Nations.â€
I know the Founders were super old and super white, but so are your douche bag liberal professors, and you listen to them.
So lets get back to being old-school conservative. Letâ€™s get back to being libertarians, like Ben Franklin and James Madison. Let’s hop on board that freedom train where you can smoke whatever the heck you want and the unfettered, unregulated, unbridled free market means one thing: the tickets are cheap.