Don’t even bother

In Opinion

It’s not polite to discuss politics at the dinner table, it’s been said. It certainly isn’t a topic for a first date, and probably not for any subsequent ones for that matter (hint: your date doesn’t care). In fact, the only way political discussions are even slightly tolerable is if they are unburdened by antiquated concepts such as rational thought.

Whenever those insufferable political geeks complain about violations of habeas corpus or about the dangers of fractional reserve banking, we simply tune them out. Politics and the research involved are boring, so the obvious solution is to routinely ignore the evidence and simply go with your gut feeling.

Why does anyone think the average American cares that, according to the Department of the Treasury, we pay more than $400 billion per year worth of interest on our national debt?

Unless they are from ESPN, don’t tell me the numbers. It is self-evident that strippers, football and American Idol are more interesting than correcting imaginary problems such as the U.S.-China trade imbalance.

Everything is fine, don’t believe the fairy tales about the so-called economic downturn. We are in a jobless recovery, haven’t you heard? Less jobs means less work, and let’s face it folks, work sucks. And since the only thing that sucks more than work is school, raise your glass to rising tuition and sweeping class cuts! How does that Pink Floyd song go? “We don’t need no education!”

Brothers and sisters, comrades, friends, break free of these annoying things called books and statistics and leave politics to the experts—experts like Treasury Secretary Geithner who claimed only a few months ago there was no danger that the United States would lose our AAA credit rating. I went to school, I can count; we only lost one A. There are still two more left.

Thank God we have President Barack Obama to lead us in our time of need. He speaks so well, and he’s handsome! Let’s make sure not to ask him too many tough questions about why he is failing to honor his campaign promises; that might make him uncomfortable. By the way, if you don’t like his mandated health care program, you’re a racist.

Obama’s economic policy is brilliant; any idiot can see that the dollar is doing wonderfully, especially since the government is printing more all the time! While on the subject of idiots, have you heard of that Ron Paul fellow? The tin foil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist wants a balanced budget.

Ann Coulter, among others, has called his supporters crazy, and we should definitely trust her judgement; the brilliant lady went on Fox News after the Fukushima power plant meltdown in Japan and advanced the argument that “radiation is good for you.” What a straight-shooting genius.

The mainstream Republican Party, bless their God-fearing souls, has rejected Paul and the rest of these so-called constitutionalists, and for good reason. These extremists have been demanding a return to a 200-year-old document that guarantees freedom of speech, the press, assembly, religion, the right to a fair trial and other ancient concepts we are in the process of revising. This is the 21st century. If the American people want to embrace tyranny, why should a fading piece of parchment stop us? It’s a free country, after all.

The United States is a nation that values diversity of thought; each of us are free to invent our own ideologies at random. In the year 2011, we Americans will learn to feed our families on a diet consisting entirely of hope and change. But you say you want facts? Lame. That’s so 1990.

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