Cupid shoots and misses at finding new love online

In Features, Multimedia

Within one solid day after signing up for an online dating account, my inbox contained 273 unread messages—and that was only the beginning.

One positive feature of online dating is that you can choose to ignore those who are uninteresting, but still engage in conversation with those who are interesting.

Creating a concise and alluring profile to attract the right correspondents was the first step to finding love online.

“My ideal first date would have to be with someone that I have an insane connection with. We would skip all of the pressures brought upon by dinners, dates and anything that falls into the realms of superficiality.

My profile read, “instead, dive into the more spontaneous and thrilling elements of life that causes our hearts to race out of sheer excitement. This may sound corny, but I am dead serious when I say that we must share an Oreo milkshake (milkshake option may be negotiable)… slightly blended because everyone knows that an oreo shake should have chunky oreos. Lastly, lay under the stars and have intellectually driven conversations to stimulate the mind and broaden our horizons to gain a deeper understanding for one another. And a man who can quote Nacho Libre.”

That statement alone, became my worst nightmare.

A week later, in summation of the now 613 unread messages, I got it all.

Men who discussed philosophy. Men who were tired of being single. Asian racial stereotypes.

Men telling me that I would be perfect if I wasn’t Asian because Asian meant that I specifically liked white guys who can buy me materialistic items.

Fancy pick up lines such as one from username Charmingman28 that attempted to entice me with, “I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.”

Dozens of countless men offering to take me on an Oreo shake date. To my surprise, I even got a racy photo.

Some were persistent enough to repeatedly send multiple messages to ensure a response.

It was overwhelming to say the least.

Self-taken photos stood out the most. It’s quite comical and safe to say that at least 80 percent of profile pictures contained a reflective mirror photo, a shirtless photo and my favorite, a photo with a pet to show, I assume, sensitivity.

You can assume a sense of one’s personality by looking through their photos and merely reading what they had to say about themselves, through their diction and elaboration.

I consider reading through the endless messages and undergoing a thorough profile scan to be my step two.

Step three: searching for prey.

I’ve learned that the fun part about being a female in the online world is that men come to you.

We can kick back and let the messages stack themselves to the hundreds. All we do is dig through for quality.

After narrowing down my potential soul mates, I deemed a few handsome fellows dateable according to their profiles.

I was aiming for guys with the total package: a free adrenaline searching spirit, a fun loving personality, a successful career and an intelligent mind.

I then embarked on step four—taking the chance.

“Chancho I need to borrow some sweeaatss,” Rbxxprince112 wrote to me.

He shortly followed with a back and forth week-long conversation about philosophy.

A Nacho Libre quote and an intellectual conversation heightened my curiosity.

According to his profile, he is a private banker working on two master’s degrees and is a 26-year-old intellectual who wants to meet a girl who can “go with the flow of things.”

He is interested in producing music, hiking and skydiving.

His ideal first date would be meeting at Yogurtland for a nice conversation and a tasty treat. He seemed nice, so I took the chance.

He was shorter than I expected, he had a higher pitched voice, a bit egotistical, but was an achieved man overall.

Spending an hour at Yogurtland with Brandon Hoffman went somewhat well.

He talked about himself, a lot. I’m unsure if he was trying to impress me in a short amount of time or if it was normal for him to dominate and speak highly of his impressive accomplishments.

On the upside, we bonded over philosophy and our love for thrill. However, I gave up 30 minutes into the date after internally struggling with who gets the limelight.

I would have agreed to go on a second date if he didn’t talk so much, about himself, or if he didn’t become a stage-five clinger.

Ever since that date, he’s been confessing his deep interests in furthering our relationship by going to fancy dinners and traveling the world together.

My phone has not stopped ringing from texts and phone calls from the now labeled, “Don’t Pick Up.”

I was so in awe at the crushed potential of Brandon via online chat that did not transcribe in an in-person attraction.

I didn’t even get the simplistic privilege of a decent conversation that allowed equal time distribution.

All I got was false hope, free yogurt and an overbearing clinger.

This experience led to a further conclusion that may not pertain to all, but in my experience, did: Those who resort to an online dating medium are there for a reason.

By Lisa Love

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