Searching for Mr. Right: Making grand gestures to no avail

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Mariah_stdIt’s always been in my nature to love unabashedly.

When I was in the fourth grade, I was infatuated with a boy in my class and I decided to let him know.

In true romantic fashion, I chose to do so on Valentine’s Day.

I knew that he was lactose intolerant because the poor sucker had to have a popsicle on the days when the rest of us had ice cream. I decided I would give the rest of the kids in my class chocolate, but give him a red plastic heart filled with Starbursts.

I didn’t think much of it until I got to school that day. I was terrified.

I decided to push through my fear and give him my heart anyway.

The day was pretty uneventful until lunch time. I went back to the classroom to retrieve my candy and found my crush and his best friend making fun of me.

I was crushed, and as he and his friend rushed past me to exit the classroom, I watched as my plastic heart fell to the ground and shattered.

I thought I wouldn’t recover from the humiliation, but fourth graders bounce back quickly.

I bring up fourth grade because I recently made another grand gesture in the name of infatuation.

I’ve written before about the perils of dating friends, and I decided I wouldn’t risk friendship unless it was absolutely worth it.

Well, with one of my friends, I decided that it was.

I didn’t always feel that way. I spent a lot of time trying to deny my feelings for him, but looking back, the signs were there.

My awful habit of kissing him after drinking too much was probably one of those signs.

That’s not to say kissing friends is an awful habit, but it is generally frowned upon.

He has a rocky past with relationships and because of that, he’s decided upon a life as an eternal bachelor, so I took my feelings for him to the grave.

It didn’t exactly work as I planned, though. I went to a party with him and his best friend, who I’m also close friends with, and the night ended in disaster.

The guy I like told me he didn’t think we should continue whatever we had going on, and in that same night, his best friend told me he had feelings for me.

I don’t know how to fix the damage that was done. His best friend and I aren’t even on speaking terms at the moment.

As for the guy I like, he made a case that we should stay away from each other for the sake of his best friend’s feelings, which I respect, but he also added that although he doesn’t do relationships, being with me made him want to change his mind.

I probably should have just let it go, but I don’t know how to keep my feelings to myself, so I didn’t.

I told him the truth. I wrote him a letter and explained that in simple terms, without metaphor or soliloquy, I like him.

I made a pros and cons list about whether I wanted to take that leap, and the con column was empty.

It didn’t work out. I’ve been moping about it all day, but I realize now that it’s okay it didn’t work out.

Every grand gesture doesn’t end in happily ever after. Life isn’t a fairy tale, but I do believe that everyone has some kind of happiness.

I haven’t found my happily ever after yet, but even in midst of my shattered plastic heart, I know I’ll find it someday.

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