Titan toilet travels: list of best and worst buildings for your secret business

In Opinion
(Sarah Wolstoncroft / Daily Titan)

So it’s 1 p.m., you just finished your second class of the day and had lunch, you’ve got a two-hour gap and live 30 minutes away. Invariably, you have to poop. Instead of wandering campus hoping you don’t run into anyone you might need to stop and chat with, searching intently for the best place to relieve yourself, why not take a gander at this list.

Disclaimer: This study was conducted by one man and one woman on a Friday, midday. That being said, these won’t accurately account for traffic and cleanliness, they will explain accessibility and a worth-it factor.

Most of us have classes that are adjacent to the Quad and choose to hang out around that area, so here’s a comprehensive list of the best facilities in the buildings and floors around the Quad that’ll help you unclench.

McCarthy
Men
Not viable unless you’ve got a stuffed nose. If that doesn’t explain these bathrooms, let me explain further.

It’s no surprise that McCarthy Hall draws haunting stories like moths to the moon. Taking a look at the cracked ceiling in the basement, it’s clear that there are bodies up there crawling out. “Why are they crawling out?” one might ask. Well, it’s because they can smell the men’s bathroom, they can smell the history, it’s like every road-trip outhouse your dad forced you to go in.

Women
On the figurative and literal opposite side of the basement is the women’s restroom. Though it doesn’t suffer from the horrid smell of the men’s restroom, this one still provides the staple ominous air-conditioning noise that everyone’s come to love from McCarthy.

Results: For guys, don’t do it, just don’t. For girls, not a terrible alternative, just stay away from the basement for thriller-movie reasons.

Engineering
Men
Though the pleasant walk might be far from the Quad, this one’s not terrible. The only real problem here is that it feels like there’s something ominous going on that you aren’t allowed to be there for. Fourth floor is huge like a loft.

Women
Not the best alternative, pretty much every bathroom is significantly smaller than the men’s side. It’s certainly possible that this was a deliberate decision considering the significant difference in men and women attending this college. Either way, this place doesn’t provide some essentials for women’s care like sanitary napkins and what not.

Results: Not the worst for guys. But definitely not the best. Women should try and find something a little more spacious as these are kind of ridiculously cramped.

Computer Science
Men
Besides the overly loud air vents, each floor is virtually the same. Smells a bit funky, but not McCarthy level. This is a better alternative to Engineering because the walls look nicer.

Women
This is definitely better for women than Engineering, so if you’re in that building, just walk on over. The smell might be a tad funky in the middle floors, but it’s worth not being confined to a bathroom as small as Engineering’s.

Results: A better alternative for women, for guys it’s nothing terribly different than Engineering, but worth a shot for the neat tiles.

Education Classroom
Men
These bathrooms are just as weird as this building. You ever feel like the education classrooms just don’t belong on campus? Well, the feeling permeates when you go into the bathrooms. It’s got this grandma aesthetic that bleeds into a doctor’s-office feel toward the middle floors. Sadly, there are no salmon-colored tiles on the top floor as there’s no bathroom for men up there.

The upside is that each bathroom is conveniently next to either an elevator or door, so that’s nice.

Women
Each floor smelled pretty good and was fairly spacious. However, just like the weird feeling that the men’s bathroom had, this one felt horror flick-ish. Thankfully, some beautiful flowers and hand lotion add some life to the ambiance at the top-floor bathrooms.

Results: If you want to be entertained while doing your deuce, take a trip to the island of Education Classrooms.

Humanities
Men
This building holds probably one of the worst bathrooms you can find at CSUF, along with one of the best. Up to floor five, these are terrible; they smell, they’re crowded and there’s always a mysterious puddle on the floor.

After that however, there’s a glimmer of hope. Thanks to the Psychology Department floor, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s inspiring in a way, to see the beauty of this sixth floor bathroom, almost like a phoenix rising from the ashes of the first few floors.

Women
While the women’s bathrooms don’t suffer from the same smelly fate as the men’s, the sixth floor has the same revelatory experience.

Results: Don’t let the first floor fool you with it’s flat screens and four elevators, these bathrooms are not your friend. Except psychology and the unisex one, if you do one thing in college, do your doo doo here.

University Hall
Men
The home of my people, the English majors. Just like my life, it’s alright. Nothing special, nothing terrible. Does its job. It definitely gets better the higher you get, though you do run the risk of running into a professor while depositing some funds.

Women
Nothing special here, just another building with some bathrooms; big ones actually. So if you like your privacy, try and go to the top floor, it’s pretty cute.

Results: One of the most accessible ones, doesn’t have much privacy unless you want to risk bumping into a professor on the top floors.

Langsdorf
Men
As weird as it might be to get to the first floor, it’s worth it. This one’s pretty secluded from the main campus but also directly below it. It’s got some neat tile art and has a baby changing station. The top floor is really where it’s at. It’s almost like a suite as there’s a couch and everything, though it does say the couch is for people waiting for meetings. If it was an especially tough lunch, just tell them you’re meeting your maker.

Women
Pretty much the same as the men’s side. Everything smells pretty good too. Again, the top floor is a must-see.

Results: Check out the top floor if you’ve got time, if not, then the first is a perfect solution.

Mihaylo
Men
First off, the elevator in Mihaylo is amazing. Even if you don’t have to go to the bathroom use this thing, it’s nuts. The bathrooms however, are not as impressive. Sure they’re clean and stocked, but there’s nothing special about them. They are fairly large though.

Women
Just as big as the men’s bathrooms, but smell far nicer. A little dirty in the upper floors but that’s to be expected as this building has a good number of different restroom locations.

Results: Not as fancy as the building looks, but there are plenty of restrooms to find around the building so it’s good if it’s quick. But really, you should come here for the elevator. It speaks!

Clayes Performing Arts
Men
Despite this being the easiest building to get lost in, it’s the most rewarding. In fact, it’s much better to wander around and find a bathroom or private stall that isn’t popular as the common one always smells terrible. The upper floor bathrooms even have a shower. It’s probably for the dance people but still, that’s amazing.

Women
This is the best one for women, though, like the men’s, it’s hard to find a restroom. However, the smell that’s in the men’s is not existent. Those private stalls are the best though.

Results: Walk around this one and find something for yourself, you will not regret it. Wandering the hall while students lay a soundtrack of recitals on is a pretty stellar experience.

College Park
Men
First floor is usually not the best and the basement is pretty ominous, there’s this air-conditioning sound that’s kind of terrifying. But if you can get one of the four elevators to comply then the upper floors play some music in the bathrooms and it’s usually a pretty solid playlist.

Women
Same as men in the sense that the basement is creepy. Upper floors also have great music; it’s the same music though.

Results: If you’ve got time, go to the upper floors here, avoid 10 though, it’s not that impressive and feels too stuffy.

Kinesiology
Men
It might be a tad bit out of the way for anyone around the Quad, but it’s worth it. This one is just like the Performing Arts building as you might get lost, but it’s worth it. The bathrooms are clean and have this cool mirror you see right as you open the door.

Women
These are pretty big and clean. If you know where you’re going, then these are the best bet. While they might be busy during other hours, it’s got enough to accommodate plenty of people.

Summary
If your caboose is too loose and you have to drop a deuce, try the Performing Arts Center first. If that’s too daunting a task, your safest bet is the Education Buildings or Langsdorf. If you can walk, then check out College Park for its great tunes. All in all, anywhere but McCarthy is a safe bet.

Sarah Rose Wolstoncroft contributed to this report.

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  • Ogre

    This got a good laugh out of me, well played Rishu.

    Something of note: the Engineering building used to have all the women’s bathrooms as the all gender ones. That changed back about a month ago. So it used to be far more frustrating to use for ladies, since it’s a single stall and wasn’t just for women.

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